#wastedtime

Just like I promised, let's talk of when I first fell in love. In love, yeap, at least that is what I thought. How could I really know what love was? I was only 11 when I first layed eyes on him. 

Our youth group was arriving at the a youth fellowship at the same time a van was pulling in with this gorgeous guy, and 2 more companions. He was then invited to come up front to delight us with some songs when the service started. That is when I heard the most beautiful voice I had ever heard before and I also noticed his eyes, and beautiful smile, of course. 

I left not knowing if I would ever see him again, but I was surely fascinated. I spent the days, weeks, months thinking of only this guy, until I saw him again.

I was 13 years old when our paths were crossed again. I had mentioned to one of my church friends of how much I like this guy and she said she would help me so he could notice me. Our church went to a church fellowship in Dallas where he again took part in singing. After the service, we were then directed to where we were going to eat. Our eyes met a few times, but I am not sure if he was looking at me or at my friend more. After we where done eating, my friend and I waited outside talking when this guy's brother girlfriend came and talk to my friend. I am not sure what they said to each other, but I finally started talking on the phone with this guy after this encounter. (Hint Esther!!!) 

My friend had told the girl that I liked him and my friend gave me his phone number. We talked a few times when I visited my friends house through the phone. He then asked me for my number and he started calling my house every day at exactly 8pm and during church service night, I would call him after it was over. 

On Thanksgiving day, he surprised me when he told me he wanted to come visit me. My apartment was full of the church teenagers and family members, so my parents said yes. I was throwing away the trash can when he arrived with his brothers and brother girlfriend. He sent his younger brother to knock at the door (another hint that this was not a good guy for me). He was waiting for me in the parking lot (really dude?). My dad came out to see him while they waited for me to arrive. When I finally got there my dad left us alone. The first thing he told was: "so you're 13 years old?" I guess my dad asked him what he was doing with a 13 year old. My friend had lied to him and said I was 16, like if that matter, I was still under age.  

He still continued to call me after that at 8pm for three months. We saw each other at youth events until my dad made our youth group stop going and sent us several miles away to visit other youth group churches. When I say several miles, I mean several miles. He preferred for us to visit other churches around Texas and not our own Dallas youth fellowships. My dad was clearly wanting me to stop seeing this guy. (Parents can tell when they guy is not meant for you.) 

We continued talking to each other since we were just friends and we shared something in common, we were both pastor kids. But the calls were one year apart, but I didn't mind. Although I was going to this youth fellowships, I wasn't interested meeting new guys at all. 

The calls where once a year until I was 17 than they stopped. All I could think about all of those years was, when I finally turn 18, this guy is clearly going to want to date me. Was I so naive? 

I spent my teenage years just thinking and imagining my life with him. Even though we never dated, he did make me believe through conversations that we had that he liked me, he clearly told me on several occasions. Those conversations always had me hoping for the future, which it included him. 

My parents always tried to convince me he was clearly not what God wanted for me. This guy was like almost every pastor kid, but I couldn't see that back then. 

While I was in college, 19 year old me got a message through messenger (remember that?). He said he wanted to start talking. So we did, through the phone and messenger. One day he said he wanted to take me on a date and I said yes. I was so excited, because I was finally going to not only go on my first date, but it was going to be with the guy that I had always loved. I got ready and guess what? He never showed up and didn't even bother to call me, so I went and wrote a long e-mail saying how my parents were so right about him. 

He finally called me really late that night, and it was clear that he had't read the e-mail. I asked if he had, and he was like: "let me read it". I begged him not to, but he did. He then told me that  he was really upset that I thought that about him and so we stopped talking.

I was 21 and at another college when I received a call from him. He said he wanted to go out for some coffee and just talk like the friends that we were. He wanted to know what I had done this past two years. I already liked someone from my college, but since I wasn't even talking to this guy, I said sure why not, it is clearly just a coffee with a friend. 

I had never gone with a guy alone anywhere, even with friends, since I had never dated and I have always wanted to take care of my testimony. 

The day finally arrived and he called me while he drove to pick me up. He talked about how he wanted to get married, that he would take me anywhere for our honeymoon and that I didn't had to work unless I wanted more than two kids. Wait what? I thought this was just a coffee with a friend.

This guy has a great job, nice car and apparently a nice house, but I wasn't going to marry this guy for his money. The old feelings started arising and I thought maybe this is God.

I was really confused, I always told myself that once this guy finally wanted to get marry and not play around, he would come searching for me. He knew that I was different from all the girls he dated. Was this it? 

He was almost 31 years old, so I thought maybe he is finally ready to get married and maybe God already showed him that I am the one for him. 

When I finally got inside his car, he asked why was I really nervous. I said I didn't know. He then proceed in telling me that to not worry, because this was not a date, so I relaxed. We took longer in finding a coffee place, because they were closed and I told him since I had told him that I wanted to be back to my form by 9pm. 

We talked just like friends and than he went and drop me off at 9:15pm. We than continued talking on the phone for the next few days, but this time he would't stop mentioning how he imagined our lives being if we got married AND he wanted me to meet his mom. 

My parents kept begging me to stop talking to him. They kept telling me that they didn't believe he had changed. I couldn't handle the pressure my parents where putting on me.  And although we had just a few days talking as friends, I was really confused of his intentions and so I told him one day. I wanted to get things cleared, before I met his mom and before we could move on from our friendship. I asked him what where his intentions, because my parents didn't believe he had changed. So he got angry, put me on hold, yes on HOLD and never came back to talk. 

So, that was when I FINALLY opened my eyes. This guy is not meant for me. And to this day, my parents were and I still right about him. He is a womanizer and alcoholic and with no intentions in getting married. 

When I think about my teenage years, I can't help but feel regret of how many wasted years I had. Instead of using it to seek God and push harder in my studies, I would spent my days' fantasizing with someone that was clearly not in God's plan for me. 

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
— Matthew 6:33

This verse might sound so cliche to many, especially to Christians, but this is clearly what God asks for us. He wants us to seek Him. Seek him with all of our heart, mind and soul. God wants us to put him first when we wake up and during every decision we make. He wants us to include Him in our lives and he would give us the desires of our heart. "But seek him First". 

As I think about this verse every time, I think about how different my life would had been if only I didn't wasted my time, His time.